Monday, January 28, 2008
For the most part, men hate cute. We don't want to hear about it, we don't want to see it, and we sure as hell don't want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there's a 100 percent chance we're changing. We're supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.
2) "We need to talk."
These four words shut off a man's brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.
3) "It's just a game."
Actually, it's not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it's life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn't make sense, but you should be happy that we're that passionate about something. Telling us that "it's just a game" is like us telling you that Oprah's just a talk show host.
4) "Nothing's wrong."
Please don't tell us nothing's wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We're not mind readers; tell us what's going on. And don't make us guess because—believe me—you won't like what we come up with.
5) "I sound like my mom."
The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don't say it, even in jest—it's not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying "every woman ends up looking like their mother" is an old wives' tale. If we didn't, no one would ever get married.
6) "I just want to be friends."
No you don't. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don't prolong the agony. Most of us take "I just want to be friends" as "There's still a chance," so if there isn't just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.
7) "Size doesn't matter."
Don't lie to us. We know it does, and we're doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It's best just to not say anything at all.
8) "What are you wearing?"
We're wearing whatever's clean or whatever you tell us to. We don't plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.
9) "Do you think she's pretty?"
Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn't mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can't help it. It's in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it's best to just pretend nothing happened.
10) "Which outfit do you like better?"
I'm going to be honest here—90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They're going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power.
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: They have been underestimating my power for quite some time now.
Dude #2: What are you, a supervillain? Who's been underestimating your power? The justice league?
Dude #1: No, the electric company. They say I owe them eight hundred dollars.
Dude #2: Dude, you and I were having two totally different conversations.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Almost Dr J: So what do you like to do?
Patient: I like to burn people
Almost Dr J: beg your pardon?
Patient: I like to burn people and decapitate them
Almost Dr J: and have you ever done this?
Patient: no. I burned some leaves once though
Almost Dr J: So if you were to get out of the hospital, do you think you would go burn someone
Patient: No, I couldnt do that. I mean i thought about it, but i wouldnt. I would probably just watch someone else
And Mr K was not having a good day. Before even beginning the patient interview, he insisted on finding out if i was a patriot or not
Almost Dr J (ADJ): Morning Mr K, would you care to talk with me this morning
Mr. K: Where are you from
ADJ: The United states
Mr K: I'm the president of the united states until that bush fucker tried to take my job for 427 days.
ADJ: Alright, well lets go talk
Mr K: so if there was a war with another country and you had to go there and fight them and kill their babies to protect ourselves you would do it
Mr K: okay, lets go talk.
Mr K had a lot of disorganized thoughts and losse associations today. Loos associations are when the doctor asks a questions and the patient offers a non sequitur as an answer.
ADJ: How is your mood today?
Mr K: blah
ADJ: why is that
Mr K: what happened to my babies maybies scabies rabies jaybies
That is an example of both loose associations, and clang associations, where the pt goes off on rhyming tangents. Mr K was also much more paranoid this morning than usual and insisted that i was putting something into his water. Which did not stop him from asking me for several cups of water, just that he didnt trust me. Overall the patient's mood was hostile and paranoid except for one memorable interchange
Mr K: you wont even give me coffee to help to me move my bowels? what kind of doctor are you?
ADJ: not a very good one i am afraid
Mr K: no you are not
I couldnt help laughing
Next was Mr R. Now Mr R and I dont have a relationship, but the first day on the ward he took one look at me and said, "hey my brother you are jewish aren't you? shalom shalom" And ever since when he sees me on the wards he always shouts across the hallway "Hey Dr Jerusalem!" and I wave back
This has been a, pardon the pun, "carazy day". While in the common room looking for one of my patients, another patient in a bright orange hat, blue sweathsitrt, headphones and wheelchair rolls up by me and whispers...pssst. hey doc...got any methadone?
Too which i could only reply...sorry my friend, fresh out. He rolled away quite dejected
This is a bit more like what i was hoping psychiatry would be like. Still dont want to go into it, but at least I am having fun